“I wish I wasn’t a schizophrenic”

I think that everyone can relate to this statement. Oh, not everyone knows the joys of dealing with disorganized thinking or visual hallucinations but I think everyone has a moment in their life where they wish with all their heart they were not something that they had no power to change.

I say the words in the title all too often. I don’t like that I have this illness. I don’t like that it has a toll on my family and friends, much less a heavy toll on myself. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish that the heavy burden of living with such an illness was somehow magically lifted from me. That I could just be Neil and live my life.

And I say all this even though, for someone who has schizophrenia, I am pretty lucky. I am stable. I respond to medication. I am nonviolent. I have two degrees and will soon start on a third.

Schizophrenia sucks as an illness. That every day has its battles is perhaps the most draining and most frustrating part of living with this long term. But, I always try and remind myself to not go down the road of the words in the title.

Oh, I’ll readily admit that I completely fail at it some days. But while I am all about achieving my dreams, the only way I will never have schizophrenia is if there is a cure. Sadly, I lack the expertise to create one.

So whenever I feel myself focusing too much on wishing things that might never be (and that I have no control over), I tend to try and refocus myself towards the things that I actually can  change (and have done so).

We all have unfair things thrust upon us that we don’t deserve. And yes it is human to complain about them and wish they would magically disappear. Mental Health-wise though, focusing your thoughts towards the things that you can affect is something I try very hard to do.

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About Neil

I happen to have paranoid schizophrenia. But that is only a small part of who I am. I define me, not my illness. I always try and choose hope and choose to be a better person, though like all people, I have more than a few failures. Some have been rather spectacular.
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2 Responses to “I wish I wasn’t a schizophrenic”

  1. John Roswell says:

    You are not “a schizophrenic”. You are a person with schizophrenia!

  2. Neil says:

    John thank you for your comment. I understand the reasons for your statement. I am not an illness, I have an illness (and so forth). It is a bit difficult for me because I do identify with the word schizophrenic. That’s what the popular culture would refer to me as. To some extent I wish to own that word and make it my own. I get to define what it means to have schizophrenia, not well, those who recoil in fear from their ignorance of the illness. I do appreciate the comment though, just my feelings on the matter are a bit complicated.

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