So today was one of those days. I thought I did everything right. I probably did. I was up in the night at about the hour of the wolf but I thought I got back to bed quickly. I woke up late and have been really tired all day. Like twelve fathoms underwater feeling.

I managed to get some work done but I had a major meeting. It was at a crowded Starbucks. I was fine there because I could focus directly on my supervisor as we worked, but large noisy environments tend to be hard on me. It also didn’t help that the meeting concluded just at supper time and when I am hungry, well, my symptoms can more easily appear.

Needless to say, the drive home was full of paranoid and disorganized thoughts. It’s not exactly a pleasant experience, but I’ll take that over full blown hallucinations any day.

First thing I did, was make sure I got some food. OK, I fed the cats first, because they’d be nuisances if I didn’t do that. Food is important. Sleep is important too, so I will go to bed as soon as I can tonight even if I didn’t stay up late the night important.

Food check, Sleep check. These are the big ones. I cannot afford not to manage these well. Unfortunately I had a few chores left to do this evening, but I was functional enough to complete them. The disorganized and paranoid thoughts were unpleasant but I put on some relaxing classical music, watched an episode of a TV show and just tried to put myself back in my space.

When you have this illness, you take these sorts of days hopefully with the best stride you can. It sucks, but tomorrow will be a new day. Nothing really triggered today, nothing as far as I can tell is really upsetting me other than my relentless and quite unhealthy obsession with perfection. Some days one has to just be able to say to oneself “I can do better next time” and leave it at that.

Tomorrow, or if not the next day, or the next day after that will be better…


About Neil

I happen to have paranoid schizophrenia. But that is only a small part of who I am. I define me, not my illness. I always try and choose hope and choose to be a better person, though like all people, I have more than a few failures. Some have been rather spectacular.
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