Confidence

I apologize for being away from the blog for a while. I had an exam and a presentation to prepare for, and school comes first before any of my hobbies. On top of that I was experiencing side effects of my new medication.

It made me dizzy. Enough to interfere with studying. I was experiencing cold sweats and I just didn’t feel at all well physically when I was on this dose.  The odd thing was mentally I was fine. Completely coherent, and rather calm. But the side-effects were too much.

So I went back to my old drugs.

It’s not something I particularly like, given that I gain weight with the old drugs. But at least for the most part I was stable for ten years. Really it was frustrating, because I hoped with the new drugs I might have a better, richer life with fewer side effects not more.

It sucks sometimes to have your hopes dashed, but sometimes hopes are dashed in life. I have to remember though all that I have accomplished. I am almost done my M.Sc. One more course, and finish the writeup on my research and present and I’m done. My grandfather used to address letters to me as “Master Neil” so it would mean a lot to his memory that I could actually use the title.

(And if I actually succeed at the whole Ph.D. thing maybe the Ontario Medical Board will finally get off my case for the whole practicing medicine without a license thing).

The thing that reassured me most was my psychiatrist telling me that I needed to trust myself on my medication and choose what’s right for me. I like having that confidence in me, that empowerment.

That trust gives me hope that things can be better and reminds me that I am a person and not an illness.

It made my day.

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About Neil

I happen to have paranoid schizophrenia. But that is only a small part of who I am. I define me, not my illness. I always try and choose hope and choose to be a better person, though like all people, I have more than a few failures. Some have been rather spectacular.
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